I know about losing every option except for the radical loving of turning to God. Tuning … rather than tuning out. That takes trust. To know that I’m not being brainwashed, I’m being de-programmed from my own constructions.
Either knowing that sincerity and love are what matter, not status or power … or chasing after what will amount to nothing, truly, when all our lives — of course — go on. The same wasted opportunity in not consulting doctors during a pregnancy. Or deciding not to school your children.
I’m not sure how radical loving works with each other. Not without some form of trendy chemical amusement aid being involved. (Frank Zappa reference.) And usually not then.
I tend to think of myself as being all alone, except for the company of God, which of course I can rely on. The silent, impenetrable presence of God. I never try to think of the “effects” that God is constantly having in my life, because I fear that I will end up reducing the idea of Him (as that’s all I can ever have anyway) to that of a pill, or a wellness movement. I don’t want to think of praying to God when I’m suffering from, say, back pain, to be an abstract form of medicine. Some people do. I think that takes a person’s mind in the wrong direction. I remember what people say, that you can only really pray for a change in your own feelings and thoughts. God’s will is God’s will. But in being more in the flow of things, coincidental blessings pile up so fast that I stop trying to decide what a random number of coincidentally-helpful events would be.
But of course it’s the insight that comes while praying. I used to try to talk to other Bahai’s about my insight that part of the answer to any of the Baha’i prayers was in the prayer itself. I should choose one at random. I suppose the short healing prayer. … “Thy name is my healing.” That’s a good one. That’s how it begins. And the remembrance of God does make the process less unbearable, and it never jibes for me as suggestive influence or whatever.
I feel realizing that you’re not being tricked, and that the reality you envision as the totality of the spiritual reality is just the threshold of the door itself, and to step through the door means you can start to access the wisdom that will clear a lot of the roiling spring of creation that we all hold inside ourselves at this time in history, when the Roman Empire gives way once again to a new breath of life from the Creator.
Is what I’m saying. Me personally.
So I sometimes go off on strangers wherever, meaning a lot … and … if I go off on a person of color, I see it in the person’s expression. And I can tell that expressions are hardening earlier now, as if I’m known.
I shave my head for seven reasons:
1. It’s been my only haircut since the early 90s (almost)
2. It’s the only free haircut (and I can only afford a free haircut)
3. I’m a punk rock fan, even though I never go to shows, because I’ve been a shut-in for like twenty years
4. I happen to think I look good with this haircut, in a Sinead O’Connor sort of way.
5. I’m showing off to the beautiful wives (my age) of the boring men (a bit older than me) that I care so little about losing my hair that I can maintain a good hairline and just … fuckin’ shave it all off. I just don’t care.
6. I’m losing my hair. It’s half-grey, too.
7. I still feel like I’m a 20 year-old.
People have also always assumed I like guys, which … I’m horrified by the idea of men in a sexual context … but it’s especially prevalent now, that distrusting distance, because I’ve been chatting up black men at the bus stop and around the building, to help spread the word that I’m not a racist.
I just put up a YouTube video, and so I will get one or two emails. “This video is blocked” and/or “this video contains copyrighted material” (which is fine, because they put ads up, and they like that.) (And it’s all identified.) Almost everything goes through, but if you don’t check, like me, then …
I see it as 0% (which is impossibility) less than one part of the binary, more than the other, or 100% (impossible not to be).
According to the Dracula Had An Aardvark Theory (which was coined when I was thinking of an armadillo — and for which acronyms are forbidden) the zero would be a -2, the less than a -1, to have no less than or more than a 0, the more than a +1, and the hundred a +2.
Getting two emails is the less than. I tend to always get just the one saying all is well. Even when I don’t look, because I tend to know already what will go through.
My worry is not justified because it’s based on a +1. It would be another +1, as well, to put it from my mind. That would bring me into the next mindset with a +2.
love is the unconditional God, and justice is the conditional God. i don’t want the injustice of first being broken inside to later found the justice against my involuntary hate. my purpose is not supposed to be a pressure cooker’s purpose (to not burst) especially if the lid is off and the pressure isn’t lessened.