(Without, however, the benefit of the Dracula Had An Aardvark Theory.)
I have never talked about this dude I used to know — either in a blog post or an FB post — because it just seems so petty. And so hard to describe. I guess one of those people who are so uneducated that they think they’re smarter than educated people. (A result of so vastly underestimating the extent of any decent undergraduate college education that they gloss over the whole thing. Kind of a self-taught Big Lie.)
Which … that actually wasn’t very hard to describe. It’s just so disorienting. After our first hanging-out … looking at him in disbelief at his stupidity, and he makes a jibe as he’s leaving that he is clearly on a higher level than I am. I can’t process that. I’m not on some lofty plateau. I’m just not an idiot, and that guy was, and he should have just listened.
Is what I’m saying.
I lent him Dostoevsky, and he gave it back the next day saying it was so bad compared to Stephen King. Just baffling.
He looked down on this ton of music I listen to, and tried to get me into Led Zeppelin (which I already have) and The Insane Clown Posse — who are sometimes tied with Nickelback as the most hated band in the world. (But I still am baffled by the last, after running across a record producer at the train station the other day who said he had produced some of the albums for the Insane Clown Posse. … I can say at least that I’m older now than when I knew this guy downstairs, and so I treated the dude at the train station with respect.) But this guy I used to know, he went on at great length about “Stairway To Heaven”. I was thinking of the scene from Wayne’s World where Wayne is at the guitar store, picks up a guitar, plugs it in, begins to play that song and is interrupted by the store manager, who points to the sign that reads, “No ‘Stairway To Heaven’.”
I can’t even. There were a million stories, and it’s all so petty. But … why?…
So I sometimes go off on strangers wherever, meaning a lot … and … if I go off on a person of color, I see it in the person’s expression. And I can tell that expressions are hardening earlier now, as if I’m known.
I shave my head for seven reasons:
1. It’s been my only haircut since the early 90s (almost)
2. It’s the only free haircut (and I can only afford a free haircut)
3. I’m a punk rock fan, even though I never go to shows, because I’ve been a shut-in for like twenty years
4. I happen to think I look good with this haircut, in a Sinead O’Connor sort of way.
5. I’m showing off to the beautiful wives (my age) of the boring men (a bit older than me) that I care so little about losing my hair that I can maintain a good hairline and just … fuckin’ shave it all off. I just don’t care.
6. I’m losing my hair. It’s half-grey, too.
7. I still feel like I’m a 20 year-old.
People have also always assumed I like guys, which … I’m horrified by the idea of men in a sexual context … but it’s especially prevalent now, that distrusting distance, because I’ve been chatting up black men at the bus stop and around the building, to help spread the word that I’m not a racist.
I just put up a YouTube video, and so I will get one or two emails. “This video is blocked” and/or “this video contains copyrighted material” (which is fine, because they put ads up, and they like that.) (And it’s all identified.) Almost everything goes through, but if you don’t check your songs at the special search page, like me, then …
I have to deal with the current worry about whether I’ll get both emails, or just the one citing copyright violations but no other problems. I see the possibilities as 0% (no chance I’ll get blocked), less than 50% chance I’ll get blocked, 50% (equal chance), more than 50% chance I’ll get blocked, or 100% (no chance I won’t get blocked).
According to the Dracula Had An Aardvark Theory (which was coined when I was thinking of an armadillo — and for which acronyms are forbidden) the zero would be a +2, the less than a +1, the fifty percent a 0, the more than a -1, and the hundred a -2.
Getting two emails is the less than. I tend to always get just the one saying all is well. Even when I don’t look at YouTube’s special search page, because I tend to already know what will go through.
My worry is not justified, then, because it’s based on a +1. (The probability is the less than.) It would be another +1, as well, to put it from my mind. That would bring me into the next mindset with a +2.
love is the unconditional God, and justice is the conditional God. i don’t want the injustice of first being broken inside to later found the justice against my involuntary hate. my purpose is not supposed to be a pressure cooker’s purpose (to not burst) especially if the lid is off and the pressure isn’t lessened.