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I Wish I Didn’t, But I Look Like A Neo-Nazi, And People Around Town Think I’m A Racist Skinhead, Because I’m Literally Insane

So I sometimes go off on strangers wherever, meaning a lot … and … if I go off on a person of color, I see it in the person’s expression. And I can tell that expressions are hardening earlier now, as if I’m known.

I shave my head for seven reasons:

1. It’s been my only haircut since the early 90s (almost)
2. It’s the only free haircut (and I can only afford a free haircut)
3. I’m a punk rock fan, even though I never go to shows, because I’ve been a shut-in for like twenty years
4. I happen to think I look good with this haircut, in a Sinead O’Connor sort of way.
5. I’m showing off to the beautiful wives (my age) of the boring men (a bit older than me) that I care so little about losing my hair that I can maintain a good hairline and just … fuckin’ shave it all off. I just don’t care.
6. I’m losing my hair. It’s half-grey, too.
7. I still feel like I’m a 20 year-old.

People have also always assumed I like guys, which … I’m horrified by the idea of men in a sexual context … but it’s especially prevalent now, that distrusting distance, because I’ve been chatting up black men at the bus stop and around the building, to help spread the word that I’m not a racist.

The Dracula Had An Aardvark Theory

Which, see below.

I’ve started boiling situations into a +1, a 0, or a -1, and at rare instances a +2 or -2.

If the President is lampooned, for instance, about a third of the people will see it as a -1 (for not respecting the person), about a third will see it as a +1 (for not respecting the person), and about a third will see it as a -1 (for invective tone). So the minus and plus cancel out and you get a minus. A bad idea.

Cleaning up the desk right now involves a -1 (the fear of the labor), a +1 (the joy of the labor), a +1 (the joy of the outcome). So the minus and plus cancel out and you get a plus. A good idea.

Was thinking earlier that if I want to have a theory, I can pick a stupid name and force it on the world. The aardvark refers to the “spooky” creature we see in Dracula’s castle in the 1931 film. For no reason.

UPDATE: I believe I was thinking of an armadillo.

All-Dialogue Meta Flash Fiction

“What are you listening to? It sounds like techno.”
“It is.”
“It’s called techno?”
“Electronic dance music.”
“What’s the name of the band? Have I heard of them?”
“Sniffed By Kittens. No you haven’t heard of them.”
“Sniffed … what?”
“Sniffed By Kittens.”
“Sniffed By Kittens?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the name of the album?”
“Now Is The Glitter Of Our Discotheque.”
“Hmm. That’s actually pretty good. That’s Shakespeare.”
“Yes. The beginning of Richard the Third.”
“Now is the winter of our discontent.”
“Yes. Made glorious summer by this son of York.”
Pause.
“I can’t remember it either.”
“Who’s in the band?”
“It’s two people. They’re not really musicians. They’re journalists. Music journalists.”
“That’s funny.”
“Why?”
“They say writers can never come up with good names for bands.”
“I’ve heard that too. Do you ever read Stephen King?”
“I’ve read some of his stuff.”
“His band name … that he invented, was ‘Round Here.”
“’Round Here? Is that a band name?”
“Yes. I think it’s a riff on New Kids On The Block.”
“There’s a band called ‘N Sync.”
“Yes. That too. You’re pretty up-to-date.”
“That was about twenty years ago, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. But that’s still up-to-date for someone who doesn’t follow pop music.”
“What name would you come up with for a boy band?”
“Ooh. That’s a good one. I don’t know. Hold on.”
“It would have to look good on posters.”
“Okay, yes. Hold on. Give me a second.”
Pause.
“And I didn’t know you knew the term ‘boy band’. Do you watch a lot of TV?”
“YouTube.”
Pause.
Pause.
“I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that.”
“Well what’s your ideal band?”
“My ideal band would be noise metal with all women.”
“Noise metal with all women.”
“But I used to have this idea for a band called The Pirates Of The Radio.”
“Oh, no. No.”
“Just hold on.”
“That sounds terrible.”
“Just hold on. It’s the only band to consider Frankie Goes To Hollywood their main influence. They come out in these big foam rubber cowboy hats, neon—“
“No. No.”
“Hold on. And they’re terrible, and obnoxious. The whole point is that no one can be cool anymore, not truly. So the only way to be cool is to be shockingly uncool. A band like that would start a riot.”
“I see. Good name for a boy band?”
“Start A Riot.”
“That’s not a boy band name.”
“Yeah. That’s a good name for a punk band, though.”